Hello from the Other Side

Adele’s album dropped at a perfect time.

She was in hiding for 5 years, but pop! She’s back with an amazing, heart-wrenchingly beautiful song that hit me like a ton of bricks.

It’s so typical of me to talk about myself, I’m sorry…

Everything has been going really well lately. I mentioned a few posts ago I picked up a serving job at a place near my apartment, but I really wasn’t digging it, so I quit and applied somewhere else. (Total server move.) I love the new place. The people are friendly, helpful and they’ve made me feel really welcome. The tips are rollin’ in and the busy season is picking up, so I’ll be sitting on fat stacks in no time.

Earlier this month, a friend who works at the same company I do, suggested me for a really cool job posting.  I applied and got an interview, which doesn’t really happen unless you know someone, so the fact that I got a chance to interview made me ecstatic. I answered interview questions in the shower, in the car, at my desk, in my sleep and I’d have to say a time I’ve been faced with a difficult decision was when I snagged my tights on the way to the interview and had to turn them so they faced the inside of my leg instead of the outside. Oh, sorry. I got caught up in interview stuff.

Anyway, I had two interviews and they were intense. It felt like in college when I’d study super hard for a test and walk in with the confidence of 10,000 super models, take the test and then I’d walk out and think, “Huh. Well. That could go either way.”

It went the way I didn’t want it to go.

I didn’t get the job and I was upset. I wondered what I said wrong. I wondered what the other person did right. I wondered if I wasn’t professional enough. I wondered if I should have said my only flaw at work is that I work too hard. I wondered if maybe they saw the snag in my tights and thought that I couldn’t even dress myself, so how in the world could I be capable of handling myself in this new position?

As I do, I wallowed for a bit and then bounced back. I went to my serving job and had a great night. As I was walking out, my manager told me, “Hey. You’re doing a great job! We were kind of testing you tonight and you did awesome. Keep it up.” Then he gave me a thumbs up.

I went in my car and cried. It was a nice reassurance that even though I didn’t get the position, I still had two jobs and one made me feel really great, even if just for a moment.

There’s such a difference between us and a million miles…

Well, I guess I was due for bad news, because everything has been going seemingly well. Eerily well.

I got a text from one of my good girlfriends saying that she was going to send me a picture and didn’t want me to get upset.

You know when you know bad news is coming and your face gets hot and you feel it in your tummy and you feel like you’re upside down for like just a second?

That feeling swept over me, and I just text, “Is he engaged?”

She said, “Yes.”

I said, “Don’t show me.”

Here’s the thing, while I don’t want to be with him at all and I have no feelings for him, I just don’t care about him.

I don’t wish him well and I don’t wish anything on him because he’s just such a damper on everything.

I was sad for a little bit just because I thought about the things we’d say to each other and how it feels like everyone around me is getting engaged and I just had a keg over the weekend, but then I thought to myself, “I am so much better off.”

Breaking up with him has been the best. If I was still with him, I wouldn’t have done so many things. I probably wouldn’t have gone on a solo trip to Los Angeles, where I met someone who reminded me what it was like to have butterflies. I wouldn’t have gone on dates with a guy from Tinder who got me asking questions about bee keeping. I wouldn’t have rekindled with an old flame and he wouldn’t have twirled me around the dance floor, making me feel really, really liked again and making me the heart eye emoji.

These guys have been better. While they were short lived, they gave me a spark and I took something positive away from each one.

Besides meeting great guys, I have had great experiences with kick-ass people.

I moved home right after school when I was down and out and during that time, I formed such a special bond with my parents. My old roommate was and is the best. She’s helped me through everything. My brother, who used to beat the ever living shit out of me, is my go-to guy for everything. I never thought we’d have the bond we do now. My friend who moved from Iowa to podunk Indiana for a dude had his heart broken and we’ve commiserated and have been closer than ever. Stand up? Who woulda thought. I have one of the best girlfriends through that. How? Comedians are all a little damaged, but we’re thick as thieves. My best friend from fifth grade softball and I are tight as ever. My old middle school friend who’s moved all over is more in my life now than she ever was. Work has brought amazing coworkers who are more friends than anything and always offer sage advice and big smiles.

So even though I didn’t get the job and I didn’t get engaged, I’m still standing and I’m happier than ever.

But it don’t matter, it clearly

Doesn’t tear you apart anymore.

XO

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Oh, What Can You Do with a Sentimental Heart?

Well whaddaya know? It’s been over a month and I’m now updating this. I’m just going to stop making promises because clearly, I’m not stickin’ to ‘em.

Life has been pretty good to me lately.  My hair is getting longer, so soon my stupid short hair cut will be a thing of the past.  Work’s going well.  I picked up a second job at a trendy restaurant in my hood to swing some extra cash so I can hopefully have stacks to go on one of those “I’m-an-independent-woman-traveling-solo” trips. My mom is home and doing well. My dad and I are cool. I caught up with my bro and he’s doing awesome.  I’ve still got to be better about making time for friends, but other than that, things are A-O-K!

Lately, though, I’ve been lost in my own noggin. I think it comes with living alone and being on my own so often. I’ve been thinking a lot about the past and the “what ifs” of my life. Not necessarily in a sappy, sad way, but just in a thoughtful way that I haven’t done in a while.

For some reason or another, I’ve been thinking about my ex and my break up a lot. And before we delve into that, yes, I am 100% over him, but there are just little triggers that pop up and remind me of what I used to have. It’s been almost two years since the breakup, but it’s still something that I think makes up a lot of me.

I think it’s because there seems to be a lot of pressure at this age to be hitched up and finding “the one,” in every aspect. You can’t read a blog post posted by a 20something that doesn’t give dating advice or talk about why you should date someone with a man bun. I’m happy for the people who have found love and I think it’s wonderful. It’s just weird to me because at the time, I thought I had found love. I thought I had everything figured out. Then when the shit hit the fan, it went all over the room, under the couches and into other rooms and it took a long time to clean up. That is one disgusting metaphor, but if you have good reading comprehension, you’re pickin’ up what I’m throwin’ down.

After we broke up, I was devastated because I felt like he had so much of me with him and I didn’t have a whole lot left of me. We shared so many things and had so many special moments I wouldn’t take back, but I feel a little vulnerable knowing that he has those of me. He knows how I sleep, how I like my eggs, my face I make when I see a deaf baby hearing for the first time on YouTube and how I acted after I got my wisdom teeth out. He knows my innermost secrets and feelings on the world and it kinda bums me out.

I knew our relationship wasn’t sunshine and rainbows, but it really took me getting out of it to realize it. He would get mad at me because I would snuggle him in his sleep. He would play this god damn computer game and I’d fall asleep on the couch. He wouldn’t put his arm around me at an outdoor wedding when I was cold and didn’t have a jacket. He got mad when I accidentally put my contacts on his side of the contact case. He’d groan and roll his eyes about how I rolled the chip bag. He hated coming with me to parties or bars because I’d chat with people and try to include him and he’d just end up getting sloshed and yelling at me after.

There were so many things wrong with our relationship, other than the little things mentioned above, and it just took me going with my gut and getting out of it.

Now that I’m out and I’m good, it’s just taken a long time to get me whole. I’m there, dudes! I’m so whole and happy, it’s amazing. Looking back when I was struggling and going through the mess, I didn’t think I could ever be happy without him.

But I am.

I’m one resilient chick.

I think if I could tell Break-Up Hannah something, it’d be this:

Hey Dude,

Get your ass out of bed. It’s been 12 days. You’ve watched all of It’s Always Sunny. It’s over. You can’t eat any more Thai food in your bed and you can’t live off a kickboxing and vodka diet (although, ya do look smokin’ in your NYE pics with your girls). Put down that 40 and stop listening to Les Miserables with your cats.

You’re going to go through a lot. You’re going to lose your grandma, your first job, and then maybe a second, then you’ll go to LA and have a fabulous time. You’ll meet someone who treats you right. He’ll leave after a year for another girl, AND THAT IS OKAY. You’ll go on awesome dates with fun dudes. (Like one of your favorite bloggers’ brothers.) He won’t call you back, it’s fine. You’ll get over it. You’ll have a roommate who makes you a better person. You’ll get a new job that challenges you.

Then. Here, you’ll like this part.

You’re going to try standup comedy. And guess what? You’re going to do well! You’re going to make people laugh and you’re going to put in a lot of work for it. You’re going to tap into your creative side and have a mic in your hand and you’ll be silly. You’ll say the things you’ve wanted to and you’ll love it. Run with it, yo. Get it.

You might not be with your old dude, but you’ll be with you. And you’re pretty bomb without him. You’ll find out who’s important and who’s not. You’ll meet friends who lift you and give you the fuzzies. You’ll cry a lot too. You’ll feel sad at times, but you know what? You’re not in some boring-ass-white-bread relationship where you’d still fall asleep on the couch while he plays some lame computer game and probably think seriously about going to Costco on Saturdays as a couple “if you have enough time.”  Gag me, right?

You’re going to be okay. Quit reading those blogs about finding someone, because you’ve gotta find you first. You’ve got to stop comparing your life to everyone else’s and you’ve got to stop thinking that he just moved on and forgot about you, because he didn’t. You’ll move on when you’re ready. You can’t hurry the process because that’s when you’ll enter a relationship as a halfsie and not a wholesie, and that’s not cool.

You’re on the right track. Just please, get out of bed and hose yourself off. You’ve worn that shirt for 12 days and it looks painted on you.

With so much love,

Better-Off Hannah

There.

I think that would pick me up. I think it’s realizing what I’ve got now and what it’s taken to get me here really matters and makes me who I am. So I can sit and be a sap about the old Hannah and the old relationship, but at the end of the day, I am so much better off. I am so… Hannah. And it’s good.