If the Hannah Dated

Well, look where we are. I guess I’m on schedule for updating the blog once a month. 🙂

This past month has definitely been one for the books. Lotsa rollercoasters and ups and downs and lessons learned along the way.

I started a book club with one of my girlfriends who’s a high school teacher in the area and I’ve known her since I was in high school when I’d visit my friend at Iowa. We go way back and have an affinity for reading a good book, girlfriends and wine, so I mean, it just made sense to start up a book club! We scoured book club lists, best seller lists, just a ton of lists and created a book list of about 35 books with all different genres. (Even a WTF category! LOL SO SILLY) to my surprise, the first book our club chose was, If the Buddha Dated.

I saw this book on a number of lists and blogs and it grabbed my attention because it seemed to be insightful and a book that a lot of people my age could relate to. What’s cool about it is, the author, Charlotte Kasl, follows Buddhism, Quaker practice, and Reiki healing, so she’s been down many paths and doesn’t seem to show a bias towards any one. She comes from a place of experience and has a lot of wisdom.  The book club consists of women from all different stages in life.  Some are married, some are engaged, some are dating and some (me) are single AF, so it was cool to me that this was the book we all chose.

It’s not a dating manual and it’s not really a self-help book, more of a book of mindful progression.  In order to begin a successful relationship with anyone, you really need to know how you are as a person and what you can bring to any relationship.

I dove right into it and was really excited.

Now, to preface, I had tried to write a number of blog posts beforehand because I was kind of down in the dumps about a dude and I wanted to find some way to tie it all in. I couldn’t, though because it seemed like all of my ideas were half-baked until I read this book.

Then it all clicked.

Buddha, dude. Buddha got to me. Like for real.

Lately when it has come to dating and being in a “relationship,” I have been trying to make things happen and have had a tendency to force it, and then it all crumbles for me. It crumbles because I try so hard to make something work that just won’t. I try to make it work because that’s what I think should happen and that’s what I see others doing, and it just ain’t gonna happen. But I haven’t been wanting to accept it.

So Buddha’s all like, “We need to remember desperation is different from delighting in the idea of having someone to walk beside us. When we are extremely needy or want someone to fill up our empty life, we will tend to push people away. Even then, needy people do find partners, although it is usually someone insecure or troubled.”

Whoa, right?

I have been struggling for months about trying to make things work with people who just won’t work, but then the results have just been meh. I’ve had a really, really hard time with just letting things be and letting things happen on their own and Buddha’s like, “Hannah, what are you doing? Slow down. Things will happen how they happen and when they happen. Just go with it. You wanna be that girl? You want to be the one who just wants someone?” I haven’t wanted to just sit still and let the world flow around me. I haven’t just been able to just hang. A couple of you are reading this and you’re like, “Oh my god, Hannah. I have told you that in different words, but you’re just listening to it ‘cause it’s in a book! Ugh.” And I know. I know. 🙂 You’re right. There. Ya happy?

So even though I just had an amazing and real time with someone from my past and there were moonbeams, he doesn’t want it now. And that’s fine. If I send him every text on how I feel and what I want, I’m just going to start an insecure relationship. So I acknowledged it. I respected what he wanted. I got a pedicure. I drank a bottle of wine in the bath tub (didn’t even bring a glass) and cried about it and then I picked myself up and moved on. I’m not going to force it and I’m not going to hang onto a feeling because I want it, even if it isn’t natural. I’m just gonna go with it.

Another thing the Buddha dude teaches us to acknowledge the stories we tell.

“The cause of troubled relationships and fears about dating, or giving oneself to love, are born in the stories we tell ourselves. We experienced a troublesome event, had an emotional response, and then we created a story to explain it or to alleviate our pain.”

Sound familiar? Kind of like your blogger who yammers on about her past relationship?

I thought a lot about this because I’m totally guilty of hanging onto the past. I hang onto what happened in my last serious relationship and I talk about it. A lot. It’s become a part of me and honestly, it’s kind of an ugly part of me. I’ve been better at not talking about it so often, but I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve told the story of how my ex cheated on me and what he’s doing now. Is he doing the same about me? I don’t honestly know, but my guess is no.

What good is that doing me? It happened. So. Acknowledge it and go. Process it in the time it takes you and move on.

Our past shouldn’t be forgotten, like many seem to think, but it should be recognized. It needs to be acknowledged and learned from and it just needs to be okay with you.

Alright. That’s all I’m writing because I could go on for days about this book. I suggest it to anyone who is in any sort of relationship. It gives you a chance to step back and think about who you were, who you are and who you want to be and who you want to be with. So many things. Hope this wasn’t too blabby. Quit reading this and go buy it on Amazon now. J